My face betrays me when it turns purple!

Have no fear reader dear, the war wages on.  The tech-NO battle is not won. This week on the reality show that is not aired on television (my life) we had a few tech (hell) -no moments. I took my daughters shopping on Saturday. “Number 14.5” is barely speaking to me these days unless she wants a ride somewhere or needs some money for something. She needed new undergarments (she takes after her mother) and needed to go up a cup size, but she wasn’t speaking to me or making eye contact. Which really annoys me and I try hard not to show it, but I think my face betrays me when it turns purple, those veins start bulging in my neck and forehead, and I start frothing at the mouth.  This happened only after she sat in the back row of the suburban with only 3 of us in the vehicle and I tried to talk to her with her iPod on and earbuds in for a half an hour. When someone refuses to make eye contact it’s really difficult to get their attention through the rear view mirror. She did not want to hear me or see me and it was making me crazy, but I bit my tongue until I checked on her in the dressing room and she instantly turned mopey. I ask her how things fit and discovered that she is trying on “push-up” bras, now that would be fine if she were a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, but we are here to move up into the ‘C cup’ range and I’m thinking, ‘uh, no way are you pushing them up any higher!’ So I tell her (in my most compassionate maternal tone), then I bring her some normal support wear, suddenly she is done shopping she doesn’t want to try on another thing. I have ruined it for her, and as we walk out of the dressing room she is texting someone. I imagine that I am being maligned via text to everyone and anyone who cares for wanting her to look less like a stripper and more like a virginal ninth grader. So I say, ‘give me that damn phone!’

I just wanted to delude myself into believing that my daughters and I could enjoy some time together, but I realized that we are never alone if they have their iPods or phones with them. Now because I have taken one phone I must take two. This is one of these moments when you hate parenting because you know that you are now about to suffer more than they are. I took the phone from daughter “Number 12.5” (almost a teen) and then my head begins to throb and my right ear starts bleeding because she’s sitting in the passenger’s seat and won’t shut-up now that I have her phone. Done shopping and back in the car I still try to maintain the ruse and I ask them if they want to go out for lunch.  Number 14.5 is ‘NOT hungry and doesn’t care,’ and Number 12.5 just wants her phone back…. Is it too early to start drinking that’s all I can think about is calming my nerves with alcohol. I shouldn’t admit that; I should say I thought of meditation or yoga to calm myself, but that would be a lie and not funny in a sad way at all!

I love, love, love my children more than life itself… (that saying makes me wonder, but I’ll save it for another time).

UGH! Teach respect and limits by taking away their boots?

Does anyone else think the following is absurd?

Pennsylvania school district bans fur-lined boots

Published January 27, 2012

| Associated Press

POTTSTOWN, Pa. –  A suburban Philadelphia middle school’s ban on a popular type of fur-lined boots isn’t about fashion, it’s about cellphones.

Pottstown Middle School parents were informed of the new ban on the unlaced boots on Wednesday.

District community relations director John Armato tells the Pottstown Mercury students are using the boots to hide cellphones and bring them into class. Current school policy allows students to bring their phones to school but requires them to be kept in their locker during the day.

Armato says the ban targets the unlaced boots with fur or faux fur lining made by footwear companies including Ugg. It goes into effect Monday.

Principal Gail Cooper says students can still wear the boots to school, but must remove them before going to class.

I speak out about very few things, but I believe that governing what a person may or may not wear, really does border on infringing their  freedom of expression. I make allowances for limiting potentially offensive or provocative clothing probably because it has been a rule since I was in high school, which is why perhaps I swallow that pill a bit easier, but I still struggle with myself for being so malleable. 

I get very annoyed when I hear people in my community mention Obama being a communist or socialist, and then they hand me a flyer to promote a school uniform in a public school and I WANT TO SCREAM, “you can’t get anymore socialist than a uniform in a public school (a public school being a socialist concept and the uniform eliminating any sign of social elitism)!!!”

So what is it that we are trying to teach our kids? What is the lesson here? That it is rude and disrespectful to text while in class not to mention distracting?  Instead of teaching them respect or temperance we take away their right to wear their warm shoes to school? I want so badly to put my most sarcastic foot in my mouth and to blame Newt Gingrich for this, but I will NOT digress that far, this time.

I will tell you that I owned a t-shirt in high school that said, ‘life is a bed of roses, but watch out for the pricks’ which I was not allowed to wear, and I understood that if one didn’t have a proper sense of humor it might be deemed as offensive, as were the ‘grab a Heini’ t-shirts of my day, nor would I have tried to take a cell phone to class if it were against the rules because I have an internal moral barometer that tells me which limits to push and which rules to follow. Thankfully no one had to take my shoes away to teach me that.

I bumble for ya, I bumble for ya, I bumble for YOU-EW!

Yes, I blog and I am a mom. I am a mom who blogs about being a mom and the unexpected twists that technology sometimes brings to the experience. I am certainly not a savant, nor would I consider myself technologically inclined by any means so please forgive me if I use the wrong terminology here. I started this blog, the tech free teen as I noticed my teens losing touch with the reality that I have come to know through my life experience. Perhaps it was really the fact that I felt excluded from their private worlds and I know that part of it was fear of my 12-year-old being exposed to more than I wanted for her, but she is a very intelligent child and has an affinity for computers who in the past year has matured some and I have grown to trust her reasoning abilities more. Unlike my other two children she has always obsessed about someone or something. I remember her being hysterical at age four because a friend refused to say he would marry her. He refused because he was planning on marrying his mother. Then she had hard crushes beginning in first grade, she would torture her chosen boy by adoring him resolutely. Then she moved on to infatuation with The Naked Brothers Band, then The Jonas Brothers, she went through a brief Michael Jackson phase where she would scream at the dinner table if anyone mocked  ‘MJ’ with a Weird Al lyric. Moving on she tried Hollywood Undead then back to Justin Bieber.  Now it is JC Caylen and Mau (pronounced MOW) she is following the cutest ‘YouTubers’ with a keen eye.

Here’s where I will show my ignorance: She now spends hours creating what I call animated vignettes (they are probably called something else in her world) for her Tumblr Blog which is mostly about the re-blogging of her favorite ‘YouTubers’, if you have no idea what I’m talking about give me a high-five because I am WAY out of my element here. Yesterday I was unloading the dishwasher and I said, “what are you tumbling about today honey?” To which she replied with great disdain, “MOM! It’s called blogging, I HATE it when people call it Tumbling!” Oh my, I thought, I had struck another of her nerves and how stupid can one mother be? Really frick’n stupid if you ask her. I begged forgiveness and corrected myself. Here’s the thing – I am wholly impressed by these little creations of hers which have been re-blogged many times by other tumblr people (Afraid to call them tumblrs… btway off topic: I can’t not sing Culture Club’s “I tumble for you” when I say tumblr, in fact it’s playing inside my head as I type) and she is in contact with the ‘YouTubers’ who are also impressed. If you aren’t impressed you should google the incomes for these ‘little YouTubers’ -yes in the six figures, I’m considering getting a Bieber haircut and becoming one myself! What frightens the mother in me is that many of them are video taping themselves while they drive and let’s face it they don’t look old enough to drive -let alone with only one hand on the wheel. I digress -constantly!

Maybe I should start my own blogging site for idiot parents and call it blabbering or bumbling… Hey I already trademarked those ideas so don’t even think about it! My point? Oh yes, oh no, I don’t think I had one I just wanted to brag about my little genius, JK really! I’m too tired to learn to tumble, I’ve already learned tweeting and blogging and texting -I think I’m good, but I am impressed (I just wanted to say it again, I haven’t forgotten I already said it up there) with my youngest child’s creative talents and although I do like to get face to face with them (my children) occasionally I am not completely techNO, in fact I have great friends that I have met on the internet, some I have met in person and some I haven’t -shhh don’t tell my kids. Anyway I just thought that I’d state the obvious today and tell you that there is quite a bit of good out there which is why I am considering changing the name of my blog. All good idea’s welcome!

Playing Possum

YOU CAN’T FOOL ME!

It’s been about two weeks since my high schoolers had a full day of school. Apparently in the current educational climate if a high school student has been in attendance most of the time, and has a score above a certain percentage then they are exempt from taking their final exam. Unless they attend school the day the exam is given, then they must take the exam with the rest of the kids, needless to say mine were home for a really long time and ate a lot, I digress. Of course last week being the end of the grading period the kids had off Monday and Tuesday of this week so that the teachers could do grades? Or attend a workshop? -I’m not sure. Regardless, today was the first day this week that all three of my children would be back on their school schedule and being that I am runner-up for mother of the year (a joke of course) I wanted them all in bed last night (with lights out) by ten pm. This may sound silly, but they seem to gravitate toward being wholly nocturnal when they are not on a school schedule, which I try not to take personally, and so it is necessary for me to bring them back to the daylight with incremental modification of their sleep habits.

I noticed something odd at about 10:20 pm; the house was silent. So I got up to say ‘good night’ to my children since they seemed to be sneaking to bed. I opened the door to my daughters’ room which was dark except for the glow of my eldest female offspring’s iPod. She would have known I was coming if she didn’t have her headphones on and wasn’t watching past episodes of Desperate Housewives on Netflix. So I smiled and held out my hand, she took off the headphones and handed me the iPod, then I said, “cell phone please.” Which she produced from under her covers, but before placing it my hand she had to send a final text to whomever she was communicating with. Meanwhile about 2 feet from where I stood is my youngest , a sweet child in middle school who appears to be pretending to be asleep already -only because she wasn’t wearing headphones and therefore heard my approach. I turn to her and say, “where is your iPod and cell phone My Love (sometimes I call her that)?” She responds almost too quickly, I really thought she might try to play the-pretend-sleeper a bit longer, but no, she tells me her things are on the floor next to her bed. So she snatches them up post-haste to hand them to me, but first she must shoot off one final text to whomever she was kvetching (I assume) with, at, to… I smile at our playful routine. They know that I have a rule ‘no more iPods or cell phones after 10 pm’ and if we had been on our normal school schedule they might turn them in or I might have to collect them, it depends on whether or not they think I might coming down with an early case of dementia. (I think again, -I’m just guessing at their motivation really)

I go to my son’s room next. He is entirely motionless and it’s completely dark in his room. Could it be that he is sleeping? I walk to his bedside to find out; I have to get very close in the dark to see, so I lean down and discover that he too is wearing headphones. I give him the benefit of the doubt and think perhaps he was listening to music and fell asleep. So I attempt to find the place where the headphones are connected to his iPod. I feel the thin strand of rubber coated wire, but cant seem to find the source. I’m groping in the dark quite a while when I think I notice a slight quaking, but I persevere in the name of a quality night’s sleep and then I feel it again -the quaking and I realize he is giggling. I too start to giggle and say, “give it to me you little devil.” Low and behold what does he produce from a place between his chest and his pillow? His iPod playing a movie on Netflix. I ask for his phone and he hands it to me. I tell him good night and I wander back to my bedroom with a large enough handful of technological booty to disturb the sleep of three very intelligent young people. I smile at my contraband and then I hear my daughters talking. Yes they do that if they aren’t wearing headphones and texting their friends at 10:20 pm on  school night.

The takeaway: I love being a parent and sometimes that means making the unpopular decisions for the health of my children. The funny thing is they expect that from me. It doesn’t mean they won’t try to ‘get away with murder’ if I let them, but they aren’t arguing either.

Parenthood is one big cruel game of ‘Would You Rather?’

Okay so my youngest turned twelve yesterday and as cruel as fate is sometimes she had two items on her birthday wish list: Playstation3 OR a drum set!!!! Please take your time and let that sink in, what would you get her for her birthday?

Meanwhile back at the ranch she has taken to her brother’s xbox 360, which he got for Christmas last year from his father. And because it is HIS game he wants her to call him and ask permission to use it when he is not at home even after I have given my permission for her to use it. So he and I had a little discussion regarding his sole ownership of said gaming device, the fact that he does not own the TV that it is connected to or the house in which it is contained he shall not deny any use while he is not at home. Today while I was waiting for his twin sister to finish cheerleading practice and he went to a friend’s house I got a call from my youngest who was at home with her friend. She called to ask if she could play xbox. I said yes. A few minutes later I get a second call, “Mom he took the controls with him, we can’t play xbox.”  He took those controls even after our friendly little convo??? Now you know I am not a fan of these damn games, but this is starting to piss me off. Why can’t she play the game when he isn’t home? Why do they each have to OWN the game console. If you have to give the game as a gift then I think these stupid games should be given as a family gift. This afternoon I had to give my son another lecture regarding the game that I have now removed from the TV because I am sick of the conflict that it causes. I will send the damn thing to his father’s house, because I’ve had it. They don’t need another thing to fight over. Deathglare.

SO….. would you rather buy a 12-year-old girl a drum set or another gaming device? I got my 12-year-old daughter (with ADHD) an effing drum set for her birthday. I also got her some bubbles, some sidewalk chalk a couple of CDs, and a board game – kinda hoping she only put the drums on her list to push me toward the Playstation. While I was leaving the store with those quiet items I told the woman behind the counter that I had just bought a drum set and would now be going to the liquor store. Then I went to the music store and got an extra set of sticks and some sheet music as well as the name of an instructor. Because if there is one thing that my twins being in the sixth grade band taught me, it’s that the only thing worse than someone playing the drums, or a sax, or a clarinet in your living room it’s someone not playing well! If you have ever been to a sixth grade band concert I’m sure you can appreciate that statement and if you haven’t, then think fingernails on a chalkboard while a tone-deaf chorus sings The Sound of Music Soundtrack. Quite honestly though I prefer that noise to the idea of my kid wasting away on xbox . Not to be a martyr, okay I’ll be a martyr – I consider my suffering a small price to pay for the life experience of my child’s musical education. Actually for some reason I just can’t stand the idea of a child spending endless hours in front of a TV playing a video game while I never sit down trying to keep the floors clean, the dishes washed and the laundry done.

TFS# 9; Tech Free Teens take to the road.

We got the call Friday afternoon. Seeing my uncle’s number appear on my cell phone immediately brought a sense of dread. I looked at the name and the number on my cell phone and was tempted not to answer. My grandmother was placed in hospice care about 3 weeks ago and so I thought I might rather hear the news my uncle was calling to deliver via the voice mail, but I tentatively answered the phone anyway. “Hello”? My uncle asked if I was sleeping. I said, “No I just saw your name and number and I am prepared for the worst, what is it”? He told me that she was bad, and getting worse and didn’t have much time left. So if there can be anything fortunate about the death of a loved one, my kids being on Spring Break this week made traveling North immediately not only possible, but not the least bit inconvenient. I waited for the kids to get home from school on Friday, we packed the ‘big rig’ (my moose killing Suburban) and left NC at almost 10 pm. I prefer to take this nine hour drive at night when there is less traffic and the kids are more likely to sleep in the car rather than purposefully annoy each other the entire ride.

They packed their pillows and a blanket, wearing comfy clothes and got all their gadgets charged up for the ride. At midnight I said that all devices needed to be turned off and it was time to sleep. My youngest of course fought this tooth and nail, meanwhile waking anyone who had been sleeping in the process. We arrived at Grammy’s at 7 am Saturday morning, I took a nap and then we all went to see my grandmother. When we got back I had to lay down for a few minutes and when I got up  all 5 kids AND my mother were on their own tech devices, either a laptop, a cell phone or an iPod. I marveled at the sight. -Visiting Grandma and face-timing each other wile sitting beside each other on the sofa. If there had been any doubt as to whether or not we would be going tech-free on Sunday, the answer was clear: ABSOLUTELY! My youngest sister brought two of her kids of to spend the night with their cousins and her significant other walked into the room and said, “wow, everyone has their own gadget going on and is in their own world”. Yes! Uncle W, thank you for your astute observation…. There is no bedtime at Grammy’s house, and so at midnight I asked one of the boys to go around to all the other kids and collect the gadgets in a cat food box my mother had been getting ready to recycle.

My mother took 7 children to church Sunday morning, so while the house was empty, and before I went to spend time with my grandmother I had to hide 5 laptops, 5 cellphones, 5 iPod’s and one PSP. Before we left the oldest asked if Grammy had ‘veto power’ on the Tech-Free Sunday concept and I said, “NO”! -knowing full well that of course she did, she could feed them pure sugar cane all day long if she wanted to, but instead my mother and all the kids went for a hike after church, and spent the rest of the day playing outside on a five story playground they call ‘the castle’. I was sure it was going to be difficult for my mother who proudly proclaims to anyone who will listen, that she is a ‘web master’. When I had gotten up from my rest on Saturday evening and she and my daughter were ‘face timing’ on their iPod Touches, while sitting next to each other on the sofa I thought we would meet some resistance, there really wasn’t any. When I got home Sunday night from my grandmother’s house they were playing the boys against the girls in a game of “Catch Phrase” and proudly announced that they had found all the laptops. My mother defiantly told me she knew where the cell phones were as if I had been hiding them from her too. I wondered how long they searched before they found everything. They told me they had baked ziti for dinner and made brownies for desert and oddly to me it appeared that they embraced Tech-Free Sunday and I think were proud of themselves for it. They had a great day and didn’t complain about not having access to their worlds.

Another successful TFS, I think, even though I wasn’t there to monitor; but no one died and so we will do it again next Sunday.

Tech-Free Sunday # 8; I think we might be getting the hang of this!!!

I have found that we really are adjusting to our Tech-Free Sunday. The kids no longer complain, they know what to expect, that is not to say that I don’t catch them trying to cheat, but in my opinion our little social experiment has made each of us more aware of how much time we spend interacting online or via text etc, and in certain children I have noticed an improved attitude while tech-free, and in other children I have noticed less time spent during the rest of the week, and then there is the sneak factor as there is with anything forbidden….. (more on that later) We had a very busy day… my son decided that we should have steak on the grill for dinner, which was nice and easy, so that made getting our rooms clean, all the laundry done possible (sort of) I AM SO GONNA VEER OFF HERE:

For as long as I have been a parent (13 years) I have been trying to get all the laundry done; it’s is IMPOSSIBLE! Have you ever noticed that?  I mean, I will even take off what I am wearing and do one final load after I have asked everyone if they have any dirty laundry just so the hamper will be empty. I have this weird obsession with the completion of this task – I know it’s futile, but I think I have some kind of OCD issue with it, which is ridiculous I KNOW…which leaves me standing naked in front of the washing machine with that happy feeling that IT’S ALL DONE, when I have to grab something to cover myself, quickly take a shower and make some more clothes dirty?! Logic? -there isn’t any! Meanwhile: when I get back to throw the final load in the dryer, the hamper is FULL and overflowing again! How is this possible? -this is what I call “the laundry ambush”! I hate the laundry ambush!!!  Someone was half-listening when I asked if all the dirty laundry was in the laundry room, then when they can’t find a clean pair of underwear they finally bring me every article of clothing they own! GAH! As I said it is never done… back to our Sunday -sorry about the detour:

So we changed sheets yesterday, because it didn’t get done on Saturday and we did our chores, because they didn’t get done on Saturday either, and then we went “in to town” (that’s what us country folk say) to go shopping. Only because we HAD to: every morning before school (for a week) my son had been taping the sole back on to his favorite pair of shoes, we also had to buy a new color cartridge for the printer (which is half the price of a brand new printer! I am tempted to buy a new printer every other time I have to change the cartridge) so an English project could be printed. Let me say right here that I am not a fan of shopping in general. I like the “veni, vidi, vici” method, but that is not possible with a 13-year-old girl on the hunt for an 8th grade formal dress. Lucky for me, (heah in tha south) everything closes at 5 pm on Sundays, so our time was restricted by the Bible. I was never so grateful! We got our steaks, got home, ate, cleaned up and just lounged around… did I mention that I have a PETA card carrying 11-year-old? Yes I do, so we didn’t ALL eat red meat, with our baked potato and salad; one of us had a veggie burger. 🙂 (as if you care)

I wanted to mention here that I take my cell phone with me when I leave the house on these days. I do leave it in the car when I go into a store, but I check it when I get back in the car just in case of an emergency. The idea of Tech-Free Sunday was more a lesson for my children who were constantly connected with their friends and spending less and less time with family even when they were at home. They weren’t listening; an important part of having a conversation, which I found rude as well as frustrating. I wanted one day where it really was, family day and to remind the kids that there are other things to do besides texting. The importance of learning manners while being so overly-connected is a difficult concept to teach; ‘PUT THE PHONE DOWN, please step away from the phone’! I was constantly having to say, so I declared Tech-Free Sunday. One person mentioned not having a land-line and if that is the case and you want to try tech-free you can always change your recording on your cell to say something like; ‘ I am spending time with my family today and will be unavailable by cell phone, please text me in an emergency’, and then just check your phone every hour or so… Going tech-free for one day a week is not necessary for every family, but I thought it was for ours. There definitely has been a change for the better for us, and if you want to try it do what ever feels right for you and your family. I think going tech-free is just as challenging, if not more, for adults… I recommend everyone try it even if it’s only for a few hours, the world will not stop I promise!

And so….. another Tech-Free Sunday, where no one died for lack of gadget, therefore we will do it again, next week…. 🙂

If you’re gonna do Tech-Free Sunday -Do it your way!

While I was at my daughter’s soccer game a mom came up to me and told me that their family was going to try Tech-Free Sunday tomorrow too, and she asked if we watch TV and I said, no WE don’t, but it doesn’t mean you can’t. We do listen to radio, and while cooking we have listened to iPod’s thru an iHome; where each kid got to share their personal genre with the family, that way my “Hollywood Undead” lovin’ daughter didn’t kill my “Cat Stevens” lovin’ son and vice versa. My thought is no personal devices requiring ear buds taking you away from interacting with your family. I think if your family is going to try it, you should try it in a way that makes you comfortable.  The first time you try it you might feel miserably Amish, (I’m not worried about offending the Amish since they shouldn’t be reading this blog) but remember they don’t have electricity or running water and that should help keep things perspective. We still use our electricity and of course running water as well as motorized vehicles, and it still isn’t easy. Another mom told me their family might try it too and she asked if I give up alcohol on this day too… I laughed, and won’t tell you exactly what I said, but I will say that there is always wine served with dinner…(The day I had to listen to Hollywood Undead for a half hour  -ummmm, no I don’t give up alcohol on this day of all days.) I might be crazy, but I’m not THAT crazy! This mom said she wasn’t interested in doing all that cooking together stuff, which is absolutely fine. I just happen to have a son who loves to cook and I am learning to enjoy the company in the kitchen while I prepare dinner.  However, I must say that the first two times I had “help” in the kitchen I secretly wanted to pull my hair out because I had to think of things for them to do instead of just doing it myself like I usually do, which was just as hard for me as it was for them, but I have come to enjoy it and rely on their help. Remember before, everyone was off in their own worlds texting, or chatting, or what-evering and I was alone in the kitchen cooking, then I would call them for dinner, and it was like a bunch of strangers showed up at the table to scarf down their meals and hurry back off to their own worlds again.

Since I talked to two people about it today I thought I might do a quick “Saturday Evening Post” about it just in case your family is thinking of trying it. A fun way to start is by having everyone in the family make a list of 101 things  to do when your bored, and share it with each other, these lists can be pretty funny, but also something to refer to when you are feeling lost without your cell phone. If you are stuck indoors I suggest board games, cards, we played word games with the thesaurus, we tried a debate (EPIC FAIL), we talk a lot, we have given facials and even tried ear coning. When I was growing up, we did a lot of puppet shows, plays, we had marionettes and would do performances, we made up commercials… you are only as limited as your imagination, make it up as you go. As the weather has gotten a bit warmer the kids are spending more time outside, where they can hula hoop, ride bicycles, play wiffle ball, play tag, blow bubbles, go fishing, give the dog a bath, do a treasure hunt or whatever.  A lot of our day seems to be spent planning, shopping for and preparing for our family meal, which I do like to get everyone involved in. It gives the family a sense of community, it makes me feel more a part of that community rather than just the laborer, and I think the kids really like being in charge of a particular part of the meal for example, put one in charge of dessert and another in charge of the salad and give them a stack of cook books, they have to do that in the morning so that there is time to shop for ingredients. I understand why the whole cooking thing might sound like too much, but if you’re feeling brave think of it as putting a book (a cookbook) in their hands first thing in the morning, it uses math skills (because with a family our size we have to double or triple recipes),  attention to detail is required to read the recipes and follow directions and teaches life skills at the same time, but if you are going to try it, do what feels right for you and your family.

Side note: Today my youngest went to her friends house to play for the afternoon and I asked that she leave her cell phone and her iPod at home. I told her it was rude to text other friends while she was spending time with one friend, this is the first time I have done this, but I think it will be a another new standing rule. I told her that if she needed to call me that I know that their family has a home phone and they have cell phones and I have all those numbers, and guess what when I got there the two girls had been riding a tandem bicycle and were talking face to face, with nothing in their hands . My daughter’s face and hands and legs were dirty like an 11-year-old who spent all day outside should look, I am excited, a dirty kid means it was a good day in my book!

Thank you S. for having her and our next lesson will be making eye contact when thanking someone for having you, and sounding like you mean it!

Welcome to THE LAND OF ENTITLEMENT, may I see your Passport please?

“You forgot to bring your passport with you today? Oh your dog ate your passport? You just didn’t feel like looking for it? Oh that’s okay, come on in, you deserve it, the rules don’t apply to YOU silly.”

I had a friend (and a mother of a teen) stop over last night and I asked her what she thought I should blog about and her response was, “entitlement.” This appears to be a much larger topic than I first anticipated so this may have to be the first in an ‘entitlement series’ of posts. So let us begin our journey to the Land of Entitlement. It appears that there are some young people (and some not so young, as this is not a new thing; apparently there is an entire generation called the ‘Me Generation’) who feel strongly that they deserve laptops, iPods, cell phones, Uggs and straight A’s without having to work for them. Why do they feel they way and how do they get there? Whose fault is it? Is that what you want to know? Well I have a few theories, but let’s start with the old fashioned definition of the word:

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of entitlement is:1 a : the state or condition of being entitled : right b : a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract 2: a government program providing benefits to members of a specified group; also : funds supporting or distributed by such a program 3: belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

I have heard myself say to my children, “having a cell phone is not a right, having an iPod is not a right, having a laptop is not a right, all of those things are luxuries and not necessity, therefore consider the use of those items a privilege, and when you do not follow the rules your privileges will be revoked as a consequence.” Remember me writing about the middle school art teacher blogging about the function of failure and it teaching far more than the success of an ‘A’? Have you noticed that school awards ceremonies now take days because everyone gets an award for something? Nobody wants to hurt anyone’s feelings; but an award is supposed to be just that – a symbol of excellence.

How about sports trophies? Are you a parent who believes that every child deserves one for participating in a recreational team sport or is the fact that you paid the registration fee, the kid got a jersey or uniform, he or she likely had fun and possibly learned something reward enough? Are you okay with watching your son or daughter see a peer from a rival team get the championship trophy while they clap and show good sportsmanship? Remember when a trophy used to mean something?  It meant for that one moment in time, you were the best. Don’t you think it loses its meaning, even just a little bit, when everyone gets one? What are we teaching our children? That everyone gets an award just for showing up?

I was talking to my kids about an article written by a Chinese mother about the differences between raising children in the Chinese culture vs the US culture. I asked my kids what they thought about Asian kids and they all said, “they’re really smart!” So I asked how do you think they got that way? They all thought it was genetics, but the real answer is they WORK really hard at it because it’s what is expected of them. In the Chinese culture (and most Asian cultures), honoring your family and your ancestors is of utmost importance, and if you are a slacker and don’t try to become a master of whatever you attempt then you dishonor your family, which is a huge ‘no-no’. Meanwhile back at the ranch, how are your  kids? Do you spend hours in the car driving them to every activity under the sun and providing them with love, support, and every and anything else their hearts desire and then give them a trophy at the end of the day? Do they honor you? Do they show you the gratitude and respect that you deserve? No? Why not? Do you demand it? Do you expect it? The Chinese mom admitted in her article that she has no problem calling her child every name in the book, even humiliating him publicly to get the desired result, which is ultimately respect and excellence all in the name of the child’s best interest.

Children (and some adults) must learn that if you want to be excellent you have to work hard to become that way. And in most cases, people who want to own something have to buy it, and in order to purchase it, they must use the local currency, and in order to have that guess what???? Give up? They have to work for it! NO WAY!!! Really? You mean it isn’t delivered on a silver platter by the butler? You mean if I spend all my money on gummy bears at the store yesterday and I want to buy three iTunes songs today I can’t have my mom write a note and make it so?

Has YOUR child lied about their age to join a social networking site?

Were you aware that they lied? Did you help them set up the account? If so I recommend you read the article below and reconsider your decision.

 

Facebook Users Who Are Under Age Raise Concerns

 

When I read the article linked above I was startled by what I learned, which was quite a bit. According to this article, “Internet companies have set up the rules against under-age users because they must comply with the federal Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act, passed in 1998, which says Web sites that collect information from children younger than 13 must obtain parental consent.” I was also alarmed by the problems for the underage boy who was ‘friended’ by a poser classmate and had his photos linked to sexually explicit websites, but not until his name started showing up in Google searches did anyone notice. I don’t know about you, but this scares the bejesus out of me! Two out of my three children have Facebook accounts, but I made them wait until they were 13, which in my opinion is still a little young to be exposed to some of the content even on their own parent’s pages; for example photographs from the old fraternity days, do you really think it is okay for your child to see you stoned out of your gourd or drunk off your a$$? What messages are the youngest users getting from their parents, cousins, other family members or contacts who are shown in countless photographs of underage drinking?

Another problem is that today’s parents have a lot on their plates and it is very difficult to monitor all of the online access that our children have. I allowed my twins to sign up for Facebook accounts when they turned 13, but most of their friends already had accounts (my kids are the youngest in their class, but still there are teacher’s children who have been on Facebook for years, whom I happen to know were not 13 when they opened their accounts). I mentioned in a few earlier posts about banning my 11 year-old daughter from Sketchfu, which sounds like it should be relatively harmless site, but as I mentioned there was a chat feature, and she had people on her friends list that she did not know. Initially she was banned for her own inappropriate use of foul language, but it wasn’t until I did a little research that I found out that even Sketchfu has an age limit of 13. So when I confronted my  11 year-old about this, and asked her how old she said she was on her account, she told me that she lied and said she was 14.   I was disturbed by her having access to and/or being in an online environment posing as a 14 year old. I wish I could find some medical or scientific statistics on the extremes between the maturity levels of an 11 year-old and a 14 year-old, but since I have an 11 year-old and a 13 year-old I can tell you that at times it seems as though they are 10 years apart.

Once I found out there was an age limit for that site I told her that just as she does not have a Facebook account, she is not allowed to have a Sketchfu account until she is 13, but I know for a fact that she has been back to the Sketchfu site since I banned her, I just haven’t caught her. It is horrifying that it is so difficult to be vigilant when a child’s ease of access to these sites can even be had from their iPod Touch. Out of fear for my daughter, I want to post a warning statement on these websites that say, ‘please beware that there may be under age users on this site who have lied about their age, so keep your content on a 6th grade level’, but that interferes with an adult’s First Amendment rights, while trying to protect my child.

What is the answer? How many people use the parental controls on their computers? I have to tell you that on my last laptop I tried to activate them just under my kids log-in ID and I couldn’t even check my email when I logged in as me (and I am the administrator), it was a nightmare, so I finally had to turn it off. I am no computer genius obviously, but there are parents out there who know far less than I do that have no idea what there kids are up to, and if they did they would have no way of knowing how to manage it, because I too am at a loss. I have asked many parents and kids what the tech-rules are in their homes just to get an idea of what others are doing to battle this epidemic. I have borrowed some other parent’s rules and made them my own, but how do we protect children whose parent’s don’t even know they need to be protected? I guess we start with trying to manage it in our own homes and hope that blogs like this one and articles like the one linked to the New York Times above will help make people more aware.