TFS# 9; Tech Free Teens take to the road.

We got the call Friday afternoon. Seeing my uncle’s number appear on my cell phone immediately brought a sense of dread. I looked at the name and the number on my cell phone and was tempted not to answer. My grandmother was placed in hospice care about 3 weeks ago and so I thought I might rather hear the news my uncle was calling to deliver via the voice mail, but I tentatively answered the phone anyway. “Hello”? My uncle asked if I was sleeping. I said, “No I just saw your name and number and I am prepared for the worst, what is it”? He told me that she was bad, and getting worse and didn’t have much time left. So if there can be anything fortunate about the death of a loved one, my kids being on Spring Break this week made traveling North immediately not only possible, but not the least bit inconvenient. I waited for the kids to get home from school on Friday, we packed the ‘big rig’ (my moose killing Suburban) and left NC at almost 10 pm. I prefer to take this nine hour drive at night when there is less traffic and the kids are more likely to sleep in the car rather than purposefully annoy each other the entire ride.

They packed their pillows and a blanket, wearing comfy clothes and got all their gadgets charged up for the ride. At midnight I said that all devices needed to be turned off and it was time to sleep. My youngest of course fought this tooth and nail, meanwhile waking anyone who had been sleeping in the process. We arrived at Grammy’s at 7 am Saturday morning, I took a nap and then we all went to see my grandmother. When we got back I had to lay down for a few minutes and when I got up  all 5 kids AND my mother were on their own tech devices, either a laptop, a cell phone or an iPod. I marveled at the sight. -Visiting Grandma and face-timing each other wile sitting beside each other on the sofa. If there had been any doubt as to whether or not we would be going tech-free on Sunday, the answer was clear: ABSOLUTELY! My youngest sister brought two of her kids of to spend the night with their cousins and her significant other walked into the room and said, “wow, everyone has their own gadget going on and is in their own world”. Yes! Uncle W, thank you for your astute observation…. There is no bedtime at Grammy’s house, and so at midnight I asked one of the boys to go around to all the other kids and collect the gadgets in a cat food box my mother had been getting ready to recycle.

My mother took 7 children to church Sunday morning, so while the house was empty, and before I went to spend time with my grandmother I had to hide 5 laptops, 5 cellphones, 5 iPod’s and one PSP. Before we left the oldest asked if Grammy had ‘veto power’ on the Tech-Free Sunday concept and I said, “NO”! -knowing full well that of course she did, she could feed them pure sugar cane all day long if she wanted to, but instead my mother and all the kids went for a hike after church, and spent the rest of the day playing outside on a five story playground they call ‘the castle’. I was sure it was going to be difficult for my mother who proudly proclaims to anyone who will listen, that she is a ‘web master’. When I had gotten up from my rest on Saturday evening and she and my daughter were ‘face timing’ on their iPod Touches, while sitting next to each other on the sofa I thought we would meet some resistance, there really wasn’t any. When I got home Sunday night from my grandmother’s house they were playing the boys against the girls in a game of “Catch Phrase” and proudly announced that they had found all the laptops. My mother defiantly told me she knew where the cell phones were as if I had been hiding them from her too. I wondered how long they searched before they found everything. They told me they had baked ziti for dinner and made brownies for desert and oddly to me it appeared that they embraced Tech-Free Sunday and I think were proud of themselves for it. They had a great day and didn’t complain about not having access to their worlds.

Another successful TFS, I think, even though I wasn’t there to monitor; but no one died and so we will do it again next Sunday.

If you’re gonna do Tech-Free Sunday -Do it your way!

While I was at my daughter’s soccer game a mom came up to me and told me that their family was going to try Tech-Free Sunday tomorrow too, and she asked if we watch TV and I said, no WE don’t, but it doesn’t mean you can’t. We do listen to radio, and while cooking we have listened to iPod’s thru an iHome; where each kid got to share their personal genre with the family, that way my “Hollywood Undead” lovin’ daughter didn’t kill my “Cat Stevens” lovin’ son and vice versa. My thought is no personal devices requiring ear buds taking you away from interacting with your family. I think if your family is going to try it, you should try it in a way that makes you comfortable.  The first time you try it you might feel miserably Amish, (I’m not worried about offending the Amish since they shouldn’t be reading this blog) but remember they don’t have electricity or running water and that should help keep things perspective. We still use our electricity and of course running water as well as motorized vehicles, and it still isn’t easy. Another mom told me their family might try it too and she asked if I give up alcohol on this day too… I laughed, and won’t tell you exactly what I said, but I will say that there is always wine served with dinner…(The day I had to listen to Hollywood Undead for a half hour  -ummmm, no I don’t give up alcohol on this day of all days.) I might be crazy, but I’m not THAT crazy! This mom said she wasn’t interested in doing all that cooking together stuff, which is absolutely fine. I just happen to have a son who loves to cook and I am learning to enjoy the company in the kitchen while I prepare dinner.  However, I must say that the first two times I had “help” in the kitchen I secretly wanted to pull my hair out because I had to think of things for them to do instead of just doing it myself like I usually do, which was just as hard for me as it was for them, but I have come to enjoy it and rely on their help. Remember before, everyone was off in their own worlds texting, or chatting, or what-evering and I was alone in the kitchen cooking, then I would call them for dinner, and it was like a bunch of strangers showed up at the table to scarf down their meals and hurry back off to their own worlds again.

Since I talked to two people about it today I thought I might do a quick “Saturday Evening Post” about it just in case your family is thinking of trying it. A fun way to start is by having everyone in the family make a list of 101 things  to do when your bored, and share it with each other, these lists can be pretty funny, but also something to refer to when you are feeling lost without your cell phone. If you are stuck indoors I suggest board games, cards, we played word games with the thesaurus, we tried a debate (EPIC FAIL), we talk a lot, we have given facials and even tried ear coning. When I was growing up, we did a lot of puppet shows, plays, we had marionettes and would do performances, we made up commercials… you are only as limited as your imagination, make it up as you go. As the weather has gotten a bit warmer the kids are spending more time outside, where they can hula hoop, ride bicycles, play wiffle ball, play tag, blow bubbles, go fishing, give the dog a bath, do a treasure hunt or whatever.  A lot of our day seems to be spent planning, shopping for and preparing for our family meal, which I do like to get everyone involved in. It gives the family a sense of community, it makes me feel more a part of that community rather than just the laborer, and I think the kids really like being in charge of a particular part of the meal for example, put one in charge of dessert and another in charge of the salad and give them a stack of cook books, they have to do that in the morning so that there is time to shop for ingredients. I understand why the whole cooking thing might sound like too much, but if you’re feeling brave think of it as putting a book (a cookbook) in their hands first thing in the morning, it uses math skills (because with a family our size we have to double or triple recipes),  attention to detail is required to read the recipes and follow directions and teaches life skills at the same time, but if you are going to try it, do what feels right for you and your family.

Side note: Today my youngest went to her friends house to play for the afternoon and I asked that she leave her cell phone and her iPod at home. I told her it was rude to text other friends while she was spending time with one friend, this is the first time I have done this, but I think it will be a another new standing rule. I told her that if she needed to call me that I know that their family has a home phone and they have cell phones and I have all those numbers, and guess what when I got there the two girls had been riding a tandem bicycle and were talking face to face, with nothing in their hands . My daughter’s face and hands and legs were dirty like an 11-year-old who spent all day outside should look, I am excited, a dirty kid means it was a good day in my book!

Thank you S. for having her and our next lesson will be making eye contact when thanking someone for having you, and sounding like you mean it!

Welcome to THE LAND OF ENTITLEMENT, may I see your Passport please: part 2.

I’m not sure my friend is going to get what she bargained for in this post, because in response to her request I did a little research, and a little thinking, and while it does appear that some of our children seem to expect things from us (which they should as we are their parents) and in some cases they may even demand things and believe that it is their ‘right’ to sport a pair of $200 boots, but whose fault is that? We want them to be socially accepted and so we try to make sure that they are not struggling as an outcast amongst their peers, because let’s be honest; I don’t remember anything other than feeling constantly insecure as a teen, which is about as much fun as being a forty-something parent. I found this topic to be far more interesting than I had first thought, in fact I have read that anyone born between 1958 and 1976 is a member of the ‘me generation,’ which would include me, and the friend who asked me to write about this topic in the first place. What I’m wondering though is if that’s true, then what happened to ‘Generation X?’ What is written below was the first part of my post on Entitlement, but I thought it might be a bit much so cropped it and I toned it down a bit and what you ended up with was what I posted earlier this afternoon. I am playing a bit of a devil’s advocate in these posts just to illustrate anther point of view, one which I had not considered previously. In my opinion we have all grown up in a society where at one time or another someone’s rights have been violated, and so we amend the constitution or we create an  ‘Act’ to correct the violations and then what happens is that we push our rights the extreme which I believe creates an entirely different problem, which some people might refer to as entitlement, and say it with negative connotation.

In my research I read one blog entitled;  Thoughts on the “Entitlement Generation” by Andria Woodell who stated that her syllabi went from 3 to 8 pages to include why texting in class was not permitted, but she also discussed students arguing with their professors over an A. It is an interesting read if you have the time. Most interesting was a comment made (by a student in my estimation) who made several valid points. One being that the students are paying thousands of dollars for their educations and are often being educated by tenured faculty who are in some instances offering a less than stellar value for the price of the secondary education. Another great article I found was from the Boston Globe in 2007. The article entitled The New Me Generation this author celebrated the brazen, brash, bold chutzpah of these young people as exactly what is needed in the mind of a young innovator. I am not inclined to disagree, I was recently reading best-selling author Tim Ferris’ Blog and  looking at his flickr photos and thought, ‘wow this guy has Ego that I will never have and maybe, just maybe, that is the key to his success.’

I pondered discussing Human Rights, which in my opinion should go without saying; and should really encompass, women’s rights, gay rights, civil rights, prisoner rights, employer rights, employee rights,  but for some reason since this country was founded by a bunch of white straight men I guess  they initially thought of themselves as the entitled, which is only natural, just to give them the benefit of the doubt. The reason I didn’t go further was that I thought I might be opening a can of worms that I don’t currently have the energy to wrangle. We could touch on animals rights (in some instances some animals have more rights than humans, but I digress -again), and then there are the rights of a pet which are apparently far greater than those of a farm animal being raised for human consumption. Everyone and almost every thing has rights, with the exception of my house plants. Thank God there isn’t a PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetation) because I mistreat, malnourish (I made this word up, I think, but I like it anyway) and kill house plants like you can’t believe.  Before they get to my house they are living things,  I am just glad they don’t have rights like a Hamster because if they did -I would be writing from prison right now. I don’t mean to make light of serious subject matter, but I am that way sometimes, I laugh before I cry. Does this mean that I have issues with entitlement? Perhaps. Do you know what the opposite of entitlement is?  Disenfranchise.  A couple of the synonyms are ‘qualify’ and ’empower’ and in my opinion this is what we want our children to feel, but at the same time we want them to learn a sense of value, respect and responsibility. The fact that your daughter is vocal about her opinions means that she is not afraid to question authority, she is a free thinker, and will be a leader not a follower, which is ultimately what we want for our children right?

If you are offended by your child’s sense of entitlement and want to teach them responsibility then I suggest you let them know that they are an important part of a family (team), and their contributions are as important as any other member of the family. Perhaps though you should be proud of her strong sense of self, and her confidence in the knowledge that she is an intelligent, above average girl who likes to test the patience of her mother, because she can, she does, and she will continue to! But if that is not what you are looking for, then chores are a great way to teach necessary life skills, while empowering them and guiding them towards self-sufficiency. I do not pay my children an allowance, but I do expect them to help maintain the cleanliness and order in our home. I just read an article that I may borrow from where these folks paid their kids for things they did without being asked, and that were not on their chore list. I like this idea because it offers a way for the kids to earn money, to be observant enough to see something that needs to be done that they haven’t been asked to do, and that way when they really want something they can earn it, plus I might get a lot more done around the house! Yay me! I do NOT recommend public humiliation like the Chinese mom in the article I mentioned in the earlier post, unless of course you speak Mandarin or Cantonese, then you might get away with it here in the South ( I am kidding of course)! Public humiliation is never a good idea in any language, in my opinion it teaches fear, not respect, and it breeds robots, not free thinkers, but again that is just my opinion -for whatever it’s worth! If you have a mouthy, brassy kid with some moxie TRY to think of how those qualities translate into confidence, intelligence and courage, which will serve her well in her adult years, rather than focusing on how difficult they are making your life currently. I know that is easier said than done, TRUST ME, but ultimately I think a sense of entitlement might not be such a bad thing…. sorry Pal, I’m pretty sure that isn’t what you were hoping for!

Setting goals for fitness using our tech devices???

Setting goals for fitness using our tech devices???.

Do you remember when….???

We walked two miles to school up hill both ways in the ice and snow bla bla bla…

As soon as a kid hears that they tune right out. I have come to realize that they have absolutely zero interest in what is was like to have to wait your turn to use the telephone, or the bathroom for that matter. (I grew up in a home with 6 kids, one bathroom and one telephone attached to the kitchen wall) I was having a conversation recently with my kids when I said something along the lines of the the fact that we only had 3 television channels to choose from, and my son angrily interjected that he didn’t care how many channels we had, because he has hundreds and Netflix too, so what was my point? I honestly can’t remember at the moment. What I do remember is that IF I said the words, “I’m bored” within earshot of my mother I would have been washing cloth diapers out in the toilet (by hand)… (I was obviously the oldest of the 6 kids, lucky me!) I learned at an early age to find something to do, and if not then look like you were doing something and above all don’t complain… it only leads to more chores. I had a rock collection; only rocks with white rings around them which I kept in a box under my bed, but I spent many hours in search of these beauties: I still have a thing for pebbles, I have a particular fondness for cairns and I can’t say why, and I love the smooth perfection of a North Carolina beach pebble as well. (Random -sorry)

Not only did I pride myself on my pebble/rock collection, but I had a fort…my was a fort was built from pallets, and shingles and other junk, I loved this place more than any place on earth, the front door was tied to a 2×4 with a sock. (Oddly enough the door was not large enough for an adult to fit through.) Sadly, only a few people might remember it (on the back of the barn), Jenny T, and Peggy K who might actually be able to get me a digital picture of it so I can share it with you… Peggy can you please????

My point in sharing all this isn’t to shame my children into being more creative, but to expose them to a different way of life. I was petrified to say that I was bored or complain about ANYTHING when I was growing up… we had a large family and always had a large garden, my mother would send me to pick green beans, which is back breaking work no matter how tall or short you may be. Once (when I was bored) she sent me to look for an Indian Arrow Head in the freshly tilled corn field adjacent to our house, and imagine her shock when I actually came home with one! (The Lenape Indians were from my neck of the woods)…. So I suppose boredom or the over-use of the term by adolescents is not a new thing, but technology makes me wish for my children that they only had three TV channels, no laptops, iPods, or cell phones… Am I old-fashioned or just old?

What are your thoughts?